


It's Not Enough To Know

by SloanGreyMercyDeath



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F, It's JJ's coming out, Kind of Hurt/Comfort, i guess, it's emotional, so be prepared for that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:33:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28020198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SloanGreyMercyDeath/pseuds/SloanGreyMercyDeath
Summary: JJ knows it’s time to come out and the thought terrifies her. But keeping on the way she has been terrifies her more.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 24
Kudos: 255





	1. Ready To Start

They’ve been doing this for a while now. JJ’s stomach clenches at the thought. She and Emily have been doing _this_ for a while now. The push and pull of friendship-not-friendship that makes JJ’s body hot and cold and nauseous, even as it feels _so right_. It’s been years now, almost 10 years actually, and her heart can’t take much more.

It’s been ten long years of sleeping beside her best friend, because Will has never been anything more than that. 10 years of drinking too much so she has an excuse to pour herself into Emily’s lap, then her car, then her bed, sleeping fully clothed with the love of her life beside her, too honorable to take advantage of her intoxicated state. JJ has spent ten years raising her children, staying strong, and keeping a tight grip on the throat of her confessions.

She’s _known_ the truth, _known_ that her life was counting down, _known_ that this almost-not-quite life with Emily was going to kill her eventually. How many times could she sway in her seat, leaning closer then away then closer then away, with Emily’s endlessly deep, endlessly sad eyes looking at her with sympathy? No. With pity.

How many times can she sob silently in the shower while her children laugh downstairs with their father before she shrivels up into nothing? How many times will she and Emily sit on Rossi’s couch, surrounded by their friends and family, and see nothing but each other until Will’s warm hand falls onto her shoulder and she’s yanked back into the reality where Emily is not her husband or the father of her children? Each beat of JJ’s heart takes off another second of her life.

She can remember each accidental brush of their fingers, their shoulders, their hips, their eyes, as if it were happening in the moment. Each purposeful touch plays over and over, layering on top of each other until JJ is set aflame with wants and lies. How is she supposed to move through her life, touch her husband, her children, and risk them being set aflame as well?

How. How. How.

JJ is tired of the word. Every thought she has is about survival. It’s about _managing_ and _maintaining_ and _persevering_. And for what? So, she can keep moving through her life as a ghost, only giving what is needed and keeping everything else locked away to rot? 

And what about Emily? How long is she going to wait for JJ? It doesn’t seem like very long at all. When JJ starts dating Will openly, Emily starts dating other women openly. She brings them around to team nights at the bar once or twice before they’re replaced by someone else. She spends 10 years finding women in every corner of the country, and then the world, and each time JJ smiles and welcomes them into the fold and then kindly forgets all about them when they’re gone.

Even as JJ watches Emily move on, she knows that Emily is still hers. It’s Emily that cradles her as she cries. Emily that wipes away her feverish tears. It’s Emily that knows there’s a truth locked away inside her that will kill her if it comes out. Emily is so kind and patient and understanding and it makes JJ retreat even further into herself.

They’ve been doing this for a while. They’ve been doing _this_ for a while. They’ve been sitting in Emily’s living room for hours, looking over case files and drinking wine that’s too expensive to be chugged on a Wednesday night. They haven’t read a file in two hours now, choosing to talk about pleasant things instead.

JJ’s legs are thrown across Emily’s and Emily’s arms are wrapped around JJ’s legs and it’s so nice to be held by arms that feel like a clear winter night instead of an oppressively hot summer afternoon. JJ is swaying again, closer and away and closer and away, while Emily tells her a story about her childhood. She used to smoke cigarettes, Emily tells her, these terrible hand-rolled things that burned her throat, but made her feel calm.

JJ interrupts the story, clutching the thin straps of Emily’s tank top. “Stop it.”

“Stop what?” Emily laughs, the sound like torture. “Do cigarettes make you sick?”

“I can’t do this anymore,” JJ says. Her mind is spinning, stomach rolling, heart twisting as she realized that she was racing toward the point of no return. “I can’t do this, Emily.”

Pulling herself out of Emily’s grip, JJ stands from the couch, drunkenly stumbling around the coffee table. She can barely think over the rush of blood in her ears and the panic rising in her throat. When she looks over her shoulder, Emily is still sitting on the couch, face guarded.

She’s going to let JJ flounder until she finds her footing. Emily sits on the edge of the couch, legs wide, elbows on her knees, hands clasped loosely. Her dark hair hangs messily around her face, cheeks flushed from the wine and the late hour. Her face is blank, eyes dark and unreadable.

Of course, JJ knows exactly how to read her standoffishness. Emily is hopeful, internally quaking as she restrains her optimism. JJ might be talking about something else entirely and Emily might get crushed. She’s spent 10 years hurting, too, after all.

“I have to say it,” JJ whispers as tears fill her eyes. She stares at the floor, then the wall, then up at the ceiling, blinking back tears. It’s a habit she’s picked up from Emily. “I have to say it.”

“Don’t,” Emily whispers back like her words might have the same power as JJ’s. “You can’t take it back.”

“I don’t want to.” Meeting the blackholes of Emily’s eyes, falling into their depths. “I don’t want to hold back anymore, Emily. Please. It’s too much. I can’t do it anymore.”

“JJ-”

“No!” JJ startles both of them with her scream, but now the dam is broken and she’s found her voice. “No! I’m so _tired_ of this! How long am I supposed to just pretend like everything is fine? Emily, I’m dying. This is _killing me_ . I can’t keep doing this.” Hot tears streamed from her face as she hurried back to the couch, falling to her knees in front of the woman she’s loved for a decade. “Emily, this has to hurt you, too. I can’t keep hurting you. I want to be with you and I wish I could say that our friendship is enough, but it’s not. It’s not enough for me and it’s not enough for you. You’ve been so _good_ for so long and it’s time for both of us to be selfish.”

Emily stares down at her with wide eyes. JJ can see the hope creeping in around the edges, despite the older woman’s best efforts. Emily can’t seem to find the words. It’s like JJ’s voice stole Emily’s and now she’s the one who has to speak for them both.

“Tell me you don’t feel it,” JJ tries, grabbing Emily’s hands and holding them to her chest. “Tell me that I’m making it up and I’ll take it all back. Tell me this is fake, tell me I’m crazy, tell me that it hasn’t taken all of our effort to stay apart all these years and, Emily, I swear to God, I’ll shove this so far out of sight that it will never bother us again. Tell me that.”

Emily couldn’t. Because of course it was all true. Still, one spur of the moment declaration of love does not a lasting relationship make and Emily is too practical and scared to let JJ in this easily.

“I love you,” Emily admits softly, shifting her hands to hold JJ’s tightly. “JJ, I’ve loved you for so long, but what about your husband? Your kids? I can’t be a secret.”

“You won’t be!” JJ says, but even as the words leave her mouth, the reality of the situation sets into her bones. It feels like acid in her veins, cold ice through her heart, as she thinks about telling Will, about getting a divorce, about telling their children, their team, their family. “You won’t be.”

Emily closes her eyes, tears glittering in the corners, and pulls her hands from JJ’s. “I can’t. Jayje, I can’t do it like this. It’s been so hard for me. I tried to move on, but it’s always been you. I can’t risk losing you. I won’t survive if you change your mind.”

JJ’s mouth is dry as she listens to Emily and knows that what she’s saying is true. It’s too much to ask for after asking her to wait for so long. Things need to change before JJ can ask Emily to take this risk, but things need to change for JJ to survive, too. How can she ask Emily to take a leap before she’s made sure the fall is safe?

“Ok,” JJ whispers, rising to her feet. She looks down at the love of her life. “Ok. I know I shouldn't ask, but please. Please wait for me just a little bit longer. I’m going to make sure we have the best chance. I’m going to do this right.”

She leaves before Emily can answer because she knows that if Emily turns her down again, she’ll lose her courage. The strength she’s found is already so tenuous and a negative word from Emily will convince her it isn’t worth it. JJ knows it is, from the bottom of her soul, she knows that coming out is worth it. Even without Emily, JJ needs to tell the truth, but she’d die for Emily. She can live for her, too.

When she gets to her house, she sees Will’s car and almost loses her steam. There’s a carseat in the back, Michael’s favorite car toy on the floor, and it’s so familiar and safe and domestic that JJ’s throat constricts. It just reminds her why she’s doing this. She has to set a good example for her children and that means proving that the truth matters.

Will is in the kitchen, washing dishes from a dinner that she skipped so she could spend time with Emily. The kids are already upstairs. Michael is probably asleep and Henry is probably doing homework and JJ is standing, silently, behind Will, scrambling for the words to break his heart.

She gasps from the effort of staying strong and Will glances over his shoulder. He grins when he sees her, not expecting her for hours still. His eyes scan her face, his smile drops, and he turns the faucet off, drying his hands on a dishtowel and turning around.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, sighing. He puts his hands on his hips and smiles kindly. “Come on, let’s hear it.”

“I’m a lesbian.”

Time freezes as JJ hears the words spill from her lips. She had nothing planned, but that isn’t what she expected to say at all. A vague idea of how she was feeling, how she doesn’t want to hurt him, how much she cares about him, how important Emily is, had been swirling in her head for the entire drive from Emily’s, but instead, she’d just stated the facts. She gasps again as time returns and his face pales.

“I’m a lesbian,” she says again, covering her face with her hands. “Will. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t _want_ to know. I tried so hard.”

“Cherie…” His voice is quiet and sad, so familiar that it makes her burst into tears. “It’s ok.”

“No, it’s not!” JJ sobs into her hands. “It’s not fair!”

His hands carefully peel hers away from her face, cupping her cheeks and lifting her head so he can look her in the eye. “Jennifer, love, it’s ok. Were you lying to me on purpose?”

Her mouth fell open and she spread her hands over his chest. “Of course not!”

“Then, it’s ok,” he tells her. “I’ll admit...it doesn’t feel _good,_ but this is you, right?”

She nods, lip trembling at his kindness. His hands are rough on her cheeks, so different from Emily’s, but still so comforting. He’s looking at her with love in his eyes and she knows that she does love him, but she’s never been in love with him. That has always been reserved for the woman she left behind and the life that lays ahead.

“I’m sorry,” she says again. “I shouldn’t have wasted your time.”

“You gave me two beautiful sons,” he corrects her. He hesitates and then his eyebrows drop down. “Is… Is it Emily?”

JJ’s legs give out as her exhaustion becomes overwhelming. He catches her, of course he does, and guides her into one of the tall seats at the kitchen island. How was it so obvious to everyone else but her? How does Will know that it would be Emily?

“I love her so much,” JJ manages through her tears as her body shudders with emotion. “It’s terrifying. I’m so scared. What if I’m wrong? What if I’m wrong _again_?”

The question sits between them and she’s not really waiting for Will to answer. She’s not going to test the limits of his understanding. That’s not fair to him and it isn’t fair to Emily, either. JJ isn’t going to bring Will into their almost-relationship before they’ve even started.

They sit in silence for a moment, both lost in their own thoughts about the future. JJ knows that this was the first step of many. In the morning, they’ll talk to boys about their conversation. Although, only Henry will really understand. Tonight, they’ll talk about what to do during their separation, JJ will move into the guestroom, and she will cry herself to sleep.

The conversation with Henry goes well. Apparently, several of his friends have divorced parents and, even if he’s surprised, he knows that they’ll still love him and that they still love each other. He asks JJ if she’ll start dating Emily and JJ says she has to get ready for work.

The first person she goes to in the office is Penelope. Of course it is. She exits the elevator and goes straight to her best friend’s office, closing and locking the door behind her. Penelope spins around as the door slams shut, but before she can say anything, JJ speaks.

“I’m a lesbian.” She watches as Penelope’s mouth falls open. “I’m a lesbian and I told Will last night and I told Emily, but she doesn’t want this to be a whim, so I’m coming out to everyone and Will and I agreed to a divorce. I told Henry and he isn’t upset. I want to do this right, but Pen, I’m so scared.”

“Come here, baby.”

Penelope holds her arms out and JJ falls into her lap. They hug tightly as JJ cries into her neck, telling her about how hard it’s been and why she hid and why she’s tired of lying. The tech analyst just pats her back and smooths her hands and listens with understanding.

When JJ is done, Penelope kisses her temple and says, “I’m so proud of you.” She sounds more serious than JJ has ever heard before. “It’s not easy to live your truth. You’re doing great and everyone is going to be so supportive. You’re making big changes, but _you_ are not changing. This is who you are and now you can breathe.”

“I need to tell the team today,” JJ mumbles, sitting up and wiping her eyes. “I need to tell them before I chicken out.”

“Ok!” Penelope takes one hand away to send a group text to everyone. “Let’s head to the conference room.”

Nodding, JJ slides off Penelope’s lap, waiting for her to stand before taking her hand. Penelope can see that she needs the support right now and holds her hand all the way to the conference room. The team is already there when they walk in and everyone frowns at JJ’s tear-stained face.

Emily is leaning back in her seat, staring at JJ and Penelope’s linked hands. She ignores the curious glances from the rest of the team, maintaining her calm demeanor. It made JJ nervous, but she was as determined as ever to show her how serious she was.

“JJ has an announcement,” Penelope tells the team, cheerfully. “If anyone says anything rude, I will physically fight them.”

The conviction in her voice makes JJ laugh. It’s unexpected and makes her feel a little bit better. She _knows_ that they’ll be fine with this and she knows that, as scary as it is, this is the right thing to do. She looks at Emily again, but finds that she’s staring down at the table, her hands clasped, knuckles white.

“I’m a lesbian,” JJ says clearly. Emily’s eyes snap up to hers. “I’m a lesbian. I told Will last night and we’re getting a divorce. Henry knows, too, and Michael, I guess.” Emily’s eyelashes flutter and JJ feels a responding flutter in her stomach. “I moved into the guest room last night. We still have to figure everything out, but...Yeah. I’m a lesbian.” She smiles as something occurs to her. “And I’m single, I guess. First time in a decade.”

The team is grinning at her and then they’re standing and congratulating her and hugging her. Spencer kisses her on the cheek and says ‘I love you.’ Tara presses her lips to JJ’s ear and says ‘me too.’ Luke lifts her off her feet with a bear hug and plants a hard kiss on her forehead. Rossi approaches with both arms open and gives her a fatherly hug. He says ‘I’m proud of you’ and ‘It’s going to be just fine’ and then he whispers in her ear and says ‘she’ll do anything for you’. 

And then Emily is standing in front of her. The weight of the last night’s conversation hangs between them and JJ doesn’t know what to do or say. Emily seems just as confused, eyes wide and lips pressed tightly together. She holds a hand out and they shake, the formality doing little to dim the heat that comes from their skin-to-skin contact and JJ has to pull away before she can throw herself at her Unit Chief.

No case comes that day and the team leaves at a reasonable time. They want to take her out to O’Keefe’s, but JJ knows that she should go home and talk to Will, see what he’s learned about divorce in DC during the day. She needs to make sure she’s moving forward.

She arrives in the garage at the same time as Emily and lingers behind her car, staring across the small garage at the woman she loves and the woman she’s longing for. Emily unlocks her car, pulls the door open, and then stops. She looks toward JJ, the same hope-tinged stoicism in her eyes.

“Congratulations,” Emily calls to her, the sound of her voice echoing in the concrete space. “I’m sorry about the divorce.”

“I’m not.” JJ raises her eyebrows. “I’m not sorry. I told you - I’m doing this right. You’re not going to be my secret and _I’m_ not going to be my secret either.” She hesitates, hand tightening around her keys. “When… How will I know when I’ve done enough? How will I know when you’re satisfied?”

With a heavy sigh, Emily shuts the door to her car. She crosses the garage quickly and pulls JJ into a tight hug. Throwing her arms around Emily’s waist, JJ holds her close. For the first time, she lets herself enjoy the feeling of the other woman’s body against her. She lets herself feel the connection between them, the way Emily’s hand on her head helps her think clearly, the hand rubbing her back relaxes her, the sound of Emily’s breathing in her ear grounds her.

“I love you,” Emily says quietly. “You don’t have to do anything about that. I’m already yours. But will throwing me into the mix really make things any easier for you? I don’t want to complicate the divorce or make the BAU stressful for you or take away a shoulder to cry on. You can tell Will and Henry about me when things settle down and then you and I can try to begin.”

She pulls away before JJ can say anything, practically running across the garage and jumping into her car. JJ watches as she backs out of her spot, drives out of the garage, leaves JJ behind. Does Emily not know that JJ did all of this for her? Does she not know that she’s the one who set JJ free? Can she really believe that JJ would put _them_ off until it was convenient?

A surge of energy fills JJ and she climbs into her car. This is _not_ how their story is beginning. JJ has waited too long to be with Emily to delay any longer. As she drives to Emily’s apartment, racing after her, JJ thinks about the last 10 years.

Emily has been so patient. She’s waited and waited and pretended not to wait because JJ was terrified for so long. Without Emily, without the love and support and understanding, JJ wouldn’t be here now. She would have lost herself years ago, buried beneath expectations and unexpected pregnancies and rushed engagements. Emily saved JJ’s life. Emily _is_ JJ’s life.

She parks on the street in front of Emily’s apartment and runs to the front door. The doorman lets her in, recognizing her, and JJ enters the elevator, bouncing on her toes impatiently as she’s lifted upward. Then, she’s sprinting down the hallway and banging on Emily’s door. She can’t be more than 15 minutes behind.

An excruciatingly long moment later, Emily opens the door, barefoot and blazerless. JJ pushes past her into the apartment, jaw clenched and heart pounding. Emily tries to protest, but JJ glares at her and shuts her up.

“Will knew immediately that it was you,” JJ says without preamble. “He _knew_ that this was for you. So did Henry. He asked if you and I were going to start dating. Rossi knows and Penelope knows and you know and I know! This isn’t about _making things easier_ , Emily!”

Emily blinks at her, color filling her cheeks.

JJ barrels on. “I have waited _10 years_ to tell you that _I love you!_ I love you, Emily Prentiss, and I’m not waiting a second longer to be with you. To call you _mine_ . The divorce could take a year, my children aren’t going to disappear, and I am _not_ prioritizing the BAU over our relationship.” She takes a deep breath, taking in the tears gathering in Emily’s eyes. “I know- Trust me, I know! It’s not going to be easy. It’s not going to be simple. We need to talk about the place you have in my children’s lives. We need to talk about where I’m going to live, how we handle cases, what our expectations are, but I am _done_ waiting.”

Emily closes the distance between them in three steps and crashes their mouths together. JJ feels like she’s being resuscitated, like she’s been holding her breath for 10 years and Emily is finally giving her the air she needs to breathe. It becomes crystal clear what’s been missing in her life and she’s so thankful that she discovered it and acquired it in one rough kiss.

She knows she’s crying and Emily’s crying, but neither of them break away. They cling to each other like life rafts, the only hope for survival the embrace of the other. JJ knows that this doesn’t mean everything is fine, but everything seems perfect in the moment. How is she supposed to worry when she finally has Emily in her arms?


	2. The Start of Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of you wanted this, so here you go! I hope it's everything you want!

It feels like they just kiss forever, a decade's worth of kisses spilling from their lips. Their love pours out of them now that the dam has burst and there is nothing to keep it locked away. JJ longs for more, for Emily’s hands under her clothing, but this is too right to end.

Emily’s lips are softer than any others JJ has kissed before. She can taste the lipstick on them, the taste odd on her tongue, but it isn’t unpleasant. It reminds her  _ who  _ she’s kissing and _ why _ . Emily’s hands sneak under her shirt, caress her back, and JJ gasps at the feeling.

Her skin burns beneath Emily’s palms, but it just lights a fire in her veins and between her legs. Dull nails scratch at her skin, sticky from nervous sweat. Emily doesn’t seem to mind that JJ is trembling in her arms. She’s holding her tightly, focused on kissing, whimpering softly into JJ’s eager mouth.

“Emily,” JJ sighes against lips that are no longer covered in lipstick. “Emily.”

“Yes?” Emily gasps, pulling her mouth away. She tries to take her hands away, too, but JJ grabs them and puts them back on her body.

JJ smiles softly, blinking against the gleam of Emily’s happy eyes. This feels like the first time that JJ has seen how much happiness Emily’s eyes are capable of showing. It breaks her heart to know that the love of her life has been at half mast all this time, mourning the death of a relationship that was never alive. JJ vows to make Emily this happy every single day until they die and never give her a reason to be hesitant and cautious again.

“Take me to bed.”

They don’t make it that far. Emily begins to walk JJ backward, eyes drifting close and head dipping to kiss the lips she’s longed for. JJ lets her, face turning up to meet her in the middle, where they always should have met. Their distraction leads them off track and they bump into the edge of the couch.

Breaking apart with a gasp, they separate fully, suddenly not touching anywhere. JJ immediately misses Emily’s warmth and the brief distance makes her too impatient to wait for the bedroom. She takes Emily’s waist in strong hands and spins them, pushing her down.

Emily sits heavily on the couch, staring up at JJ with wide, startled eyes. For a moment, doubt flickers across her face. She looks like she’s ready for JJ to change her mind. The look makes JJ angry with herself again and she jumps forward, straddling Emily’s lap and cupping her face in her hands.

“I love you,” JJ sighs into the space between them. “I love you. I love you. Forever. This is us, together, for the rest of our lives, ok? I’m never going to change my mind.”

Emily nods, her face red from crying and red from want. “Ok. I know. I love you, too.”

“Do you know, Emily?” JJ brushes her thumbs over Emily’s cheek, marveling in the feel of her face. “I want you to feel it. I’m going to plant a flag in your heart.”

She kisses Emily softly, tenderly, sweetly. She wants Emily to feel love and not just lust. She wants Emily to  _ feel  _ 10 years of stolen glances, withheld confessions, sleepless nights. JJ has been putting off the collapse of her life and now that it’s happened, she’s ready to dig through the rubble and pull Emily to safety with her.

Emily tugs her closer and JJ squeaks into her mouth, surprised by the sudden motion. They laugh together, some of the tension leaving them as JJ leans forward, presses her body into Emily’s and smiles against her mouth. In all the excitement, they forgot that it’s just them. It’s always just been them, best friends and something more, and there’s nothing to be worried about. This love, this moment, has always been inevitable.

“I love you,” Emily says quietly, tilting her head and letting their mouths just brush together. Her hands grip JJ’s shirt, keeping her close and steady. “I can’t believe I get to say it. I love you, Jennifer.”

With a whimper, JJ kisses her again, slides her tongue over Emily’s bottom lip until she opens her mouth. The feel of Emily’s tongue against her own makes her light-headed and sends heat racing through her. Their loving kisses become colored with desire and JJ pushes even closer to Emily.

Her fingers trail down Emily’s neck, feeling her swallow and her heart race. JJ loves the silky smoothness of Emily’s skin, the gentle slope of her neck where it meets perfect shoulders. Her hands get caught in the collar of Emily’s shirt and JJ scoots backward just enough to reach between them.

Her mouth stays on Emily’s as she deftly undoes pearl buttons, careful not to ruin the shirt. She wants to rip it open and drink Emily’s body in, but instead, she controls herself, using her years of practice to restrain herself. When she opens the last button, she shoves the shirt apart, down Emily’s shoulders.

The awkward movement takes Emily’s hands away from her and they have to stop kissing so Emily can take the shirt off completely. JJ is immediately distracted by the sight of Emily. When the dark-haired woman is freed of her shirt, tossing it away, she looks back at JJ and finds her staring with wide eyes.

“Is it…” Emily swallows nervously, her hands sliding along JJ’s thighs. “Do you like what you see?”

JJ can’t answer. Emily’s skin is pale and perfect, full breasts hidden away by black lace. Her stomach is soft, but gentle curves hint at muscle. Her body is completely different than what JJ is used to. She’s used to hair and tanned skin and sharp edges and Emily looks deliciously naked, just leaning against the back of her black, leather couch. The scar on her stomach stands out as proof that she’s alive.

“You’re perfect,” JJ finally breathes, eyes filling with tears again. She wipes her face, flushing with embarrassment. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. You just…” JJ crashed their mouths together, hands splaying over Emily’s stomach. “You’re so much better than I imagined.”

Emily moans into her mouth, hands tightening around JJ’s thighs. “Can I see you, too?” Emily asks. “Please.”

Nodding, JJ pulls away again. She pulls her shirt over her head in one swift motion, revealing the plain white sports bra she’d put on this morning. Moving closer again, she’s stopped by Emily’s hands gripping the band of her bra and lifting it.

The wild look in Emily’s eyes takes JJ’s breath away and she can only lift her arms to help Emily on her mission. As soon as her chest is bare, Emily’s mouth is on her. A desperate tongue runs over JJ’s collarbone, laps at the hollow of JJ’s neck, and makes its way down to her breasts. It burns against JJ’s already heated skin, making her moan.

Her head falls back, giving Emily all the space she needs. JJ wants to be marked by her new lover. Her hands still cover Emily’s stomach, fingertips digging in and grounding her as Emily’s lips suck on the sensitive underside of her breast. A sharp pain tells JJ that she’s been marked after all and she sighs happily.

“Emily,” JJ says like a prayer, lifting her head and looking her savior in the eyes, “I want to feel you everywhere. I need to know that this is real.”

“Me too,” Emily agrees. She cups the back of JJ’s head, tugging her down for a messy kiss. It takes effort to pull away again. “Let’s go to bed.”

JJ scrambles backward off Emily’s lap. Taking her hand, she leads Emily into the bedroom. They’d slept in this bed so many times, inches and miles apart, and now JJ gets to close that distance. She can hold Emily as close as she’s always wanted.

“Are you ok?” Emily asks quietly when JJ just stands, staring, at the foot of the bed. She walks around JJ, releasing her hand so she can cup JJ’s heated, crying face. “We don’t have to do anything,” Emily assured her. “I’m happy to just be with you, or if you need to go, that’s ok, too.”

For a moment, JJ remembers that she was going to go home and talk to Will about the divorce. She wants to start that process, but she wants to start her life with Emily more. Blinking and collecting herself, JJ smiles at Emily, taking the other woman’s waist in her hands and stepping forward. The feel of Emily’s skin grounded her.

“I want this.” JJ swallows hard. “I want to have sex with you, Emily. I’ve never wanted anything more. I just…” She laughs wetly, rolling her eyes when Emily gently wipes her tears away. “It’s a lot, you know?”

“I know,” Emily replies. She kisses JJ softly. “Why don’t we just lay down? No pressure.”

JJ nods, stepping away from Emily. She takes a second to wipe her face. “It’s so stupid. I know you. I love you.”

“Hey, stop it.” Emily pulls JJ’s hands away from her face to stare into her eyes. “It’s not stupid. This is a big deal. For both of us. Don’t try and pretend it isn’t. Jayje, I’m just as scared as you are.”

Flushing, JJ looks between Emily’s eyes, seeing the truth in them. “Yeah?”

“Yes,” Emily says decisively. “I’ve wanted to do this for 10 years and now I get to. It’s…” She blushed. “Is it cheesy if I say it’s a dream come true?”

Instead of answering, JJ kisses her, wrapping her arms around Emily and pulling her close. She imagines she can taste the love on Emily’s tongue, a lingering flavor she hopes she’ll taste forever. Emily’s hands tangle in her hair and she moans, body responding to even the simple touch.

“Me too,” JJ gasps into Emily’s mouth. “I’ve been thinking about this for so long. I want this.”

She moves away, quickly yanking her shoes and socks off. They undress together and then, suddenly, they’re naked. Emily stands in front of her, completely naked, and JJ can’t breathe. She can’t think. She can’t do anything but take in how beautiful Emily is, how perfect she is, how absolutely unbelievable she is.

“Wow,” JJ breathes, grinning, “I’m…” She shook her head. “You’re beautiful.”

Emily’s blush deepens, spreading across her chest. Like this, JJ can see exactly how it colors her skin, drawing her attention down to full breasts. Her gaze continues down her body, taking in a slim waist, the gentle curve of her hips, and long, toned legs. She sees the scar on her stomach where she’d almost been lost.

JJ thinks about her own scars and hopes that Emily doesn’t mind. Will she mind the jagged scar on her side? The textured smear of electrical burn? It doesn’t look like it. Emily is staring at her like she hangs the moon and JJ’s worries seem inconsequential. Unable to restrain herself anymore, JJ jumped forward, taking Emily in her arms and crashing their lips together.

She still feels nervous, like each kiss might be the last, but Emily’s hands are on her again, burning away her doubts and setting a fire within her. They fall onto the bed, tangled together, desperately trying to touch anything and everything. JJ feels overwhelmed and needy at once; it is too much, but not enough. She thinks it may never be enough.

“Lay down,” Emily says breathlessly, guiding JJ to lay in the center of the bed. “God, I’m so nervous.” She covers JJ with her body, staring down at her with terrified eyes. JJ can feel her trembling. “I can’t believe we’re here.”

“Emily,” JJ whispers as she tenderly brushes dark hair out of Emily’s face, “we  _ are  _ here. Together. It’s just me, right?”

Nodding, Emily dips her head down to press a soft kiss to JJ’s lips. It seems impossible that every kiss feels different and special, but JJ thinks they do. This one is full of intention. Emily and JJ worked so hard to get here and waited so long. They aren’t going to back out now.

Emily kisses her way along JJ’s jaw and nuzzles into her neck. It’s so gentle and affectionate that JJ has to close her eyes. She sucks in a deep breath as Emily talks softly into her ear.

“God, you smell so good.” Emily swallows loudly, her nose trailing along the shell of JJ’s ear. “Is that weird to say? I’ve always thought so. It doesn’t matter what state you’re in. After working out, first thing in the morning, after a long day. You smell so good.”

JJ’s legs fall open and she tugs Emily’s hips closer to her. Their bodies fit together perfectly, hips, breasts, cheeks aligned. She can’t tell if it’s  _ her  _ heart that’s pounding between them or Emily’s, but it drowns out her fears.

“I love you,” JJ sighs, running her hands over Emily’s back and down her sides again. “I’ve dreamed about this. You’re so close to me now.”

She turns her head to catch Emily’s mouth in another kiss. JJ needs to keep kissing Emily. She needs her close, pressed against her, every part of their bodies touching. It helps her believe this is all real.

Emily lifts her mouth from JJ. She smiles nervously. “Do you… Is there something you like? Something specific?”

“What?” JJ blinks at her, mind hazy from the kisses and the closeness. “What do you mean?”

“How do you like to be touched?” Emily clarifies, blushing. She lifts herself up, looking down the length of JJ’s body. “Soft, rough, slow?” She spreads a hand over the firm muscle of JJ’s abs, pinkie finger barely brushing her large scar. “How should I touch you?”

JJ blinks again. “I’m not sure,” she admits. Wincing, she rested her hands on Emily’s biceps, steadying herself. “I usually just do whatever… Um, I’m not sure.”

“That’s okay,” she says softly. “We’ll learn together.”

JJ wishes that Emily’s gentle voice and sweet devotion didn’t make her cry, but it does. Hot tears pour from her eyes and she sobs, hands clenching around Emily’s arms, body shaking. Emily just leans in and kisses her cheeks, staying with her.

“I love you,” JJ sobs, opening her eyes to stare up at the woman she’s been waiting for. “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry I didn’t know. I didn’t  _ want  _ to know, but it’s always been you, Emily. I always wanted it to be you.”

“I know.” Emily smiles at her, brushing tear after tear from her face. “I know. I’ve known. Me too.”

JJ cups the back of Emily’s head and tugs her down for a kiss. This one grounds her. It tastes like salty teardrops and forever. She pushes her tongue into Emily’s mouth, needing more than just closeness. She wants to move forward.

“Touch me,” JJ says, her voice quaking. “Please. Show me that this is real.”

Emily kisses her way down JJ’s neck to the valley of her breasts. She lingers between them, kissing JJ’s sternum like she’s kissing the heart beneath it. Her lips send heat soaring through JJ’s body. They’re so different from the one’s she’s used to. JJ can feel Emily’s breasts pressing into her stomach and she tangles her hands in black hair.

“I love you,” JJ sighs to the air as Emily moves to a small breast. “I love you so much.”

Emily looks up at her, resting her chin on JJ’s chest for a moment. “Are you still ok?”

“Yes,” she answers immediately. “Yes. Yes.”

“Okay.”

Running a tongue along the sensitive underside of JJ’s breast, Emily moans. The sound just adds to the heat already growing inside her. She knows her breasts are small, smaller than Emily’s, and it makes her nervous that Emily won’t like them. Then, Emily’s lips take a tight, pink nipple in her mouth and JJ’s worries turn to dust.

She groans at the hot, wet touch and arches her back into Emily’s mouth. The simple touch is overwhelming, like every touch has been so far. Emily treats her well, her hand covering JJ’s other breasts and tracing circles around it.

“God,” JJ moans, out of breath, “ _ Emily _ .”

“You’re perfect,” Emily mumbles into her breast. “I could stay here forever.”

She kisses her way to JJ’s other breast, each press of her lips burning away a little more of JJ’s doubt. JJ’s heart is galloping in her chest, threatening to explode with love and excitement and anticipation. It is anticipation for the rest of the night and the rest of their lives.

“I love you,” Emily sighs. She leaves JJ’s breasts and moves her way down to her stomach. “Thank you.”

“For what?” JJ asks, lifting herself up onto her elbows to look down her body into Emily’s dark eyes.

Emily smiles weakly. “I think I’d given up hope.”

JJ sits up fully and takes Emily in her arms again. They wrap around each other, fitting together perfectly, clinging tightly with trembling limbs. Cheeks pressed together, the women take a moment to breathe.

“I’m here now,” JJ tells her softly. “We’re here. We’ve survived so much and we made it. I’m never going to let you doubt again. I’ll tell you I love you ten times a day until you’re sick of it.”

“I’ll never be sick of it,” Emily chuckles. She tucks blonde hair behind her lover’s ear. “Tell me again.”

“I love you.” JJ kisses Emily’s cheek and leans back so they could look into each other’s eyes. “I have, I do, and I will.”

Emily crashes their mouths together, pushing JJ back onto the bed. Her nervous energy is gone and JJ feels caught like prey. She loves it. She loves the way Emily sucks on her lower lip, how she nips at JJ’s neck, slides down her body, and kisses each breast with love.

When Emily continues her journey down, JJ tenses. She’s proud of her muscles, but insecure about her scars. They remind her of her weaknesses, of her failures, of her mistakes.

Her breath catches in her throat as Emily brushes her lips over her electrical burn, the whisper soft touch making her shiver. She does the same with the scar on her other side. JJ wants to shrink away and hide herself.

It had taken Will a long time to get used to her scars and feel comfortable with them. They reminded him of how he almost lost her. JJ knew they were grotesque and ugly, smears on the body she works so hard to maintain. She can only hope that Emily won’t hate them.

“I was so scared,” Emily says quietly, mouth hovering over the deep scar. “They told me that you were missing and I was on a plane immediately. I was so  _ worried  _ that I wouldn’t get to see you again. I know I was the one who ran away that time, but…”

“You saved me,” JJ whispers in reply. She runs her fingers through Emily’s hair, staring up at the ceiling with tear-filled eyes. “You saved my life. You came back for me.”

“I stayed for you, too.” Emily kisses the scar again. “I came back again and I stayed. I love you.”

JJ pulls Emily up again so they can kiss. She thinks that they may never get any further than kisses and featherlight touches, but that would honestly be enough for her. They are sweating, skin sticking together, heat pooling between them.

Emily slides a hand down JJ’s body between her legs. Her mouth stays on JJ’s drinking in the unsteady breaths that escape her. When her fingers find JJ wet, they both moan, chests pushing together.

“JJ,” Emily gasps, fingers exploring slowly, “you’re so wet.”

“I love you,” she says in reply, eyes shut as she clutches Emily’s back with shaking hands. “I want you.”

Dropping her forehead to JJ’s, Emily slides a finger inside her, a sharp sob escaping her lips. JJ responds with one of her own, stretching her neck for a kiss. Emily gives her one, breathing hard as she curls her fingers.

JJ knows that this won’t last long. She’s been on edge for 10 years and now Emily is right here with her, inside her. Emily is quivering, too, like every little pleasure JJ gets is hers, too. JJ feels cherished, worshipped, and when Emily begins to move her fingers, she cries.

“Emily,” she says, words spilling from her mouth as she sobs, “this is real. I love you so much. I want you this close forever. I’m never going to lie again. I love you.”

“God, Jennifer,” Emily manages to say. Her free hand cup’s JJ’s face, thumb trying to brush tears away. “I love you, too. Is this ok? Does it feel good?”

“Yes,” JJ moans, hips jumping when Emily curls her fingers again. “It feels amazing. You’re amazing.”

“Look at me,” Emily begs. “Please. Be here with me.”

Eyes fluttering open, JJ sees that Emily is crying, too. She releases her iron grip on Emily’s back to take her face in her hands. Words leave her as her body begins to melt. All she can do is look into Emily’s endlessly deep, endlessly loving eyes and try to suck down air.

“You’re so good,” Emily tells her, smiling weakly. “You’ve been so good for so long, JJ. Let go. Let go for me, please.”

JJ comes with a sob, hands falling to Emily’s shoulders. Her mind goes blank for a moment, only haze and pleasure and no regret. She moves against Emily, rides her fingers, pushes her chest up, tries to be as close as possible, until she falls limp again.

When she can think, she takes Emily’s head and pulls her down for another kiss. She doesn’t have the words to say how she feels. She doesn’t know how to say that she’s been starving for years, wasting away while she tried to pull nutrients from mud, but it wasn’t enough. She’s never had enough until this very moment. JJ was living off water and dirt and she suddenly has fruit and meat and the sweetest sugar of Emily. She feels ravenous, starving for substance. That’s what she tries to pour into this kiss. How can anything she says convey the depth of her hunger for this new, real life and her one true love?

The thought fills her with a different kind of desire. She’s felt Emily now, inside her, above her, and around her. It is time to feel Emily  _ under  _ her. JJ wants to touch what’s been forbidden for years. She needs to show Emily all the love she has and show herself that she’s capable of it.

Quickly, JJ rolls them over, covering Emily’s body with her own. Emily gasps, face reddening and hands flying up to clutch JJ’s waist. JJ just swallows that gasp, letting it fuel her.

“What do you like?” she asks, panting against Emily’s lips. “Tell me how you like it, Emily.”

“It’s ok,” Emily counters, shaking her head. “I’m ok. You don’t have to.”

Eyes slamming shut, JJ takes a deep breath. “I do. I have to touch you, Emily. I need it.  _ Please. _ Let me make you feel good. You deserve it.”

Emily kisses her again and, this time, JJ feels the other woman’s desire fill her and warm her. Emily quivers beneath her, nervous and excited to be touched by her. JJ feels guilty again, knowing that Emily waited so long for her, stayed so close when the proximity hurt so much.

“I love you,” JJ whispers, moving to Emily’s neck. “You’re so strong. Let me do this for you. Let me show you that you didn’t wait for nothing.”

“Yes,” Emily says, barely audible. Her chest jumps as she cries. “It’s been so hard.”

“I know.” JJ messily kisses Emily’s neck, dragging her lips along her shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”

Emily’s hands tangle in JJ’s hair, holding tightly as she cries, chest moving against JJ’s. She lets JJ move down her body to kiss her chest. JJ lingers above the clover brand, wishing she could kiss it away. She wishes she could kiss away all of Emily’s trauma, keep her from the darkness that JJ knows inside her. JJ wants to light a candle in Emily’s soul and fight away her demons.

“I thought about you,” Emily cries, chest expanding so JJ’s lips press against the brand. “I thought about how I would never get to kiss you. I thought about how I’d never get to see Henry grow up. I was going to die and you’d be fine and move on without me.”

“I would have died, too,” JJ gasps, hurrying up Emily’s body to cup her face. “Emily, I would have died without you.”

Emily sucks in air, shaking and sobbing as she stares up at JJ. “I died! I died and it was so dark, just nothingness, and I knew that I deserved it. I knew that I didn’t deserve to go to heaven, but it was just…  _ nothing _ .”

“Emily-”

“And then I heard your voice,” Emily continues, not letting JJ interrupt. “I was standing in the darkness and I heard you crying. You were saying my name. I heard you…”

A sob escapes JJ and she covers her mouth, sitting back on her heels. She doesn’t know how to feel because she’s feeling too much. She remembers when Emily told them she died in the ambulance. It shook JJ to her core at the time and the mention of it shakes her now.

They came so close to being nothing at all and JJ would never have come out as a lesbian or kissed Emily or know there was a future for them. Emily covers her face, trying to control herself. It takes JJ a moment to breathe, but she pulls Emily’s hands away and looks her in the eye.

“I’m right here, Emily,” she says, voice stronger than she feels. “We are in this together and I will always,  _ always _ , bring you back from the dark, okay?”

“Yeah.”

JJ smiles at the weak answer. “I know. It’s hard to be sure when it’s still so soon. I’ll prove it to you, I promise. You waited for me for years and now I’ll wait for you to trust me.”

“I trust you,” Emily tries to protest. “JJ, I trust you.”

“With your mind, maybe.” JJ shrugs. “I want your heart, too.” When Emily tries to protest again, JJ slides off her and lays on her side, looking down at Emily. “It’s okay, Emily. I know that it hasn’t been easy.” She runs a finger over the large scar on Emily’s stomach, running her eyes over her lover’s body. “It still won’t be easy, but we’re here together. I’m here with you.”

Closing her eyes, Emily nods, trying to smile. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Slowly, watching Emily’s face, JJ drags her hand down Emily’s stomach between her legs. Emily’s legs fall open easily and she blushes when JJ finds her wet. It’s reassuring to know that Emily is as affected as she is. JJ swallows, nervous she was doing something wrong already.

“Is this ok?” she asks, holding herself up with her arm so she could look down at Emily.

Licking her lips, Emily smiles at her. “It’s perfect.”

JJ leans down to kiss her, needing to feel grounded and sure that Emily needs it, too. She knows she’s right when Emily’s hands fist in her hair. Emily moans into her mouth, body trembling.

Moving her hand down, JJ pushes two fingers into Emily, marveling at the silky smoothness. Emily gasps, hands clenching at the feeling. She breaks the kiss so she can breathe.

“Should I stop?” JJ asks nervously, starting to pull her fingers out.

“No!” Emily almost shouts, hand snapping down to hold JJ’s wrist in place. She blushes, releasing the surprise death grip. “Sorry. I’m just…”

“Excited?” Kissing her quickly, JJ curls her fingers, drawing another low moan from Emily’s red lips. “I can tell.”

She moves slowly, memorizing each sound that Emily makes. Each gasp, whimper, and moan just proves over and over again that this is right. JJ knows that they could stay in this bed forever, just kissing and touching and talking. This is what JJ thought about for years. She would imagine Emily beneath her just like this, responding to her touch with soft cries and muffled shouts.

“I love you,” Emily gasps, brow furrowed as she tries to keep her eyes open. She holds JJ’s cheek as her thighs begin to quiver. “I love you so much.”

JJ straddles Emily’s thigh to get a better angle and leans over her dark-haired lover. She wants to watch Emily fall apart. She wants to know what it looks like to let go, to be loved, to be happy. Emily stutters out one last groan as her orgasm hits her.

Her back arches, a dark red flush spreading across her chest and neck. JJ drinks the sight in. She watches how Emily’s mouth falls open, her chest expands, her hands clutch the sheets, her thighs quiver. It’s amazing and it’s wonderful and JJ needs to see it every day for the rest of her life. 

“I love you, too,” she says as Emily’s body falls back on the bed. “Emily, I love you so much.”

They kiss again, pressing as close as possible. JJ can’t stop thinking about the way they fit together perfectly, each part of them aligned. Emily is so soft beneath her, unreal and beautiful. This is exactly what JJ has been missing for years and years. It’s exactly what she’s been longing for and now she has it.

There’s still more work to do. JJ can’t spend the night. She needs to figure out her divorce, her children, what to do about work. The world still exists outside Emily’s bed, but right now, as they lay together, kissing slowly and learning the details of each other, JJ knows that everything will be ok. It will be wonderful.


End file.
